


John Watson vs Cheap Cider

by kyaticlikestea



Series: John Watson's Blog [11]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, Drunk!Mycroft - Freeform, Engagement Party, Humor, Humour, John Watson's Blog, John's blog, M/M, blog entry, blog fic, crack!fic, cracky crack, drunk!John, drunk!everyone, drunk!lestrade, mystrade, sherlock is a mean spirited person, troll!sherlock, white lightning is crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 20:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Hello, everyone! Sorry I haven’t posted in a few weeks. It’s been really hectic; between solving cases, planning for Mycroft and Lestrade’s wedding – best man has a lot of duties, you know! – and wiping Sherlock’s chin after meal times, I haven’t had much time to just sit and blog like I used to. I’m going to try to get back into it. Summer’s usually a pretty quiet period for cases, so we’ll see.</p><p>Anyway, just checking in really. It’s Mycroft and Lestrade’s engagement party tonight, so I’m excited about that. Sherlock’s already there, helping set things up. I’m really proud of him for that, actually. He can be a massive child sometimes – I admit, there are times when I’ve found myself walking down the baby aisle at Tesco and I actually look at the nappies and think to myself ‘I should probably get some of these’, but so far I’ve resisted – but when it comes down to it, I think he really does have his brother’s best interests at heart, and Lestrade’s by proxy.'</p><p> </p><p>Or, in which it's Mycroft and Lestrade's engagement party. Everyone gets horribly drunk. Comments ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Watson vs Cheap Cider

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely friend Esme for helping me with some ideas for this chapter as I was struggling quite a bit with where to go with it. She is a fellow fanfic-er and you can read her (amazingly good) fic here http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8003134/1/All_We_Have_In_The_End :)

**June 18 th, 2015**

******The Engagement Party!**

****

Hello, everyone! Sorry I haven’t posted in a few weeks. It’s been really hectic; between solving cases, planning for Mycroft and Lestrade’s wedding – best man has a lot of duties, you know! – and wiping Sherlock’s chin after meal times, I haven’t had much time to just sit and blog like I used to. I’m going to try to get back into it. Summer’s usually a pretty quiet period for cases, so we’ll see.

 

Anyway, just checking in really. It’s Mycroft and Lestrade’s engagement party tonight, so I’m excited about that. It’s being held at a really swanky hotel in the centre of London, of course. I’m expecting the waitresses to be wearing goldleaf aprons and everything. Sherlock’s already there, helping set things up. I’m really proud of him for that, actually. He can be a massive child sometimes – I admit, there are times when I’ve found myself walking down the baby aisle at Tesco and I actually look at the nappies and think to myself ‘I should probably get some of these’, but so far I’ve resisted – but when it comes down to it, I think he really does have his brother’s best interests at heart, and Lestrade’s by proxy.

 

I don’t know. It just all seems to be going pretty well lately. And no-one’s died trying to plan the wedding yet, so that’s a plus. I don’t know how I’d work that into my best man’s speech.

 

I’ll probably update you all tomorrow on how the engagement party went. I have to go and get changed now. Imagine if I turned up in my old checkered shirt and a cardigan? Mycroft would have my guts for garters, and he’d probably wear them at the wedding as some kind of symbolic gesture. Oo-err.

 

**100 comments**

 

Have fun! I’m terribly sorry that I couldn’t be there, boys, but you know how it is with my hip. Don’t forget to take the cakes I made, John. They’re vegan, because I remember you told me something about Mycroft being on some sort of diet, which is just silly in my opinion because that boy is like a rake, don’t you know. This is Mrs Hudson, by the way.

**Marie Turner, June 18 th, 15:54**

I won’t forget, Mrs Hudson! Red tin, bottom shelf, right?

**John Watson, June 18 th, 16:03**

Yes, dear. Make sure you don’t take the blue one as they’re my herbal soothers – Mrs Hudson

**Marie Turner, June 18 th, 16:07**

Herbal soothers?Think we’ve been drug busting the wrong flat…

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 17:23**

It’s fine, Sally. I had one myself once when my leg was a bit dodgy and it was fine

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 17:47**

Lestrade! Shouldn’t you be mingling with the guests or something?

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:01**

I probably should be, yeah, but I’m a bit busy at the mo

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 18:13**

Mycroft’s gone a bit… funny

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 18:14**

Funny? What do you mean? Is he wandering around telling knock knock jokes?

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:16**

I bloody wish! Nothing like that. He’s sort of… well. At the moment he’s lying face down on the hotel carpet in our room, telling it that he’s sorry it’s come to this and in another life they could have worked out

**Lestrade June 18 th, 18:21**

Bloody hell, mate. Give me ten minutes, I’ll be up to help you sort it out.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:24**

No, no, it’ll be fine. Probably just nerves, you know? I’ll give him a bit, see if he calms down. Thanks though

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 18:26**

All right, if you’re sure! Sherlock’s just turned up, by the way. Do you know where he went? Thought he was here earlier.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:29**

I can feel your concern radiating from the other side of the room, John. Stop it, it’s most disconcerting. If you must know, I was in the kitchen.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 18:31**

Blimey, I always forget that anyone can comment here. Probably because no-one ever does. Why were you in the kitchen?

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:34**

I was hungry, of course. The chefs threw me out. Apparently it’s not their duty to cook me a steak before the main meal. It’s dinnertime, John. What’s a man to do? We are slaves to our stomachs!

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 18:36**

You’re not! You hardly ever eat. You have a diet that makes an anorexic look greedy. Why the hell do you want a steak? That’s not even on the menu!

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:37**

Exactly, John. Exactly.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 18:38**

Hhehehewhehehe i shodl have pujt stake on the meeenu

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 18:44**

Mycroft, are you all right??

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:46**

dnt you raise your TWO QUSTION MASRKS ATE MEE mre john watson1!!!! i ammm thae bride!!!!1

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 18:48**

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, son of Mary. Sorry, John. I thought I’d confiscated his phone but apparently he keeps a spare. No idea where, seeing as he’s currently in his pants.

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 18:50**

And I shouldn’t have said that. Bugger. John, we may be late to dinner.

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 18:51**

What the… I have been reading this casually in my flat, with a biscuit in one hand, but that last remark from Mycroft has necessitated a more engaged response. Folks of Scotland Yard, if you’d like to meet me in the evidence room in half an hour, I believe this could be a genuine replacement for our weekly film evening (which has had to be postponed this week as Anderson broke the projector with his enormous stupidity)

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 18:52**

Oh, brother dear. I am moved almost to tears by this shocking display of disregard for your duties, both as a husband and as a man. If only mummy were here…

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 18:54**

Shut up, Sherlock. Something’s wrong with Mycroft.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 18:57**

Well, John. It seems like we have a lot more in common that we initially realised, now that both our siblings are apparently alcoholics.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 18:59**

OI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry Watson, June 18 th, 19:04**

Sherlock, not now, yeah? Just… go and help your brother. Please.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 19:06**

Fine. He’s past help, though, and he doesn’t want it anyway.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 19:07**

i amm note an lahcolic!!! !not evenio drunkl i onliy had oneee glase onf champagne!!!<

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 19:11**

Sir, how many phones do you have on your person? I’m only authorised to allow you to carry three.

**Anthea?, June 18 th, 19:13**

that for mee to knw and gregg to find iout!!!!!

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 19:15**

Five so far. Bugger

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 19:17**

yess pleasse¬!

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 19:20**

Six

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 19:22**

SHERLOCK OLIVIER HOLMES I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU SO HARD THAT YOU DIE A DEATH AND ARE KILLED. COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW. RIGHT. NOW.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 19:24**

We here at Scotland Yard had a sweepstake on Freak’s middle name. Duncan from forensics put a tenner on it being Oliver. Does he still win?

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 19:26**

If the prize is that he gets to murder Sherlock Holmes, then no. That’s my job. GET DOWN HERE, SHERLOCK, OR SO HELP ME I WILL COME LOOKING FOR YOU AND I KNOW TWENTY WAYS TO KILL A MAN WITH MY FACE.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 19:30**

It was a fruit cake, but wow. OK

**Anderson, June 18 th, 19:32**

I am hiding in a secure location. You won’t find me. I take it you did, however, find something else. Ah. Well. I can explain that.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 19:35**

Oh please, Sherlock, do explain to me why there are five empty cans of White Lightning in your coat jacket? You wouldn’t drink the stuff; it’s been out of date for six years, for a start, and it’s more alcoholic than bloody embalming fluid. It wouldn’t have somehow found its way into Mycroft’s one glass of champagne, would it?

**John Watson, June 18 th, 19:41**

Come on, John. Not even I as a world renowned genius could fit five cans of cider into one champagne flute.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 18 th, 19:42**

This? This is too far. We are having words. Now. In private.

**John Watson, June 18 th, 19:50**

noooooooooooo bea hapy jon!! im hapy!!!!!!!!! so hapy becus greg is nakd oo

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 19:56**

No I’m bloody not

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 19:59**

oh no itt was apilow

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 20:02**

it fellt a lt liiiek skin thuouug grerggory

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 20:05**

yr skiiiiiien iss sos soft

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 20:10**

 

Stop, please, before I have to ask Molly to fetch me an artificial respirator.

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 20:16**

Make it ten, I don’t think anyone in the evidence room is capable of unassisted breathing right now.

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 20:20**

hi sally, unfortunately that would be a huge breach of trust and also very against the law, but i could bring you down some cherry pie and some paper bags to breathe into xxx

**Molly Hooper, June 18 th, 20:23**

aahahah chery pei!!!!!

**John Watson, June 18 th, 20:34**

itst funy becauese i don’t knoaw whyu ut it is!!!!!!! hahahahahaHAHAHA

**John Watson, June 18 th, 20:40**

i aaaaam laughign somuch

**John Watson, June 18 th, 20:45**

I don’t know what’s happening any more. Is everyone OK? John?

**Mike Stamford, June 18 th, 20:51**

WE ARE ALL VERY OK!!! I DID NOT KNOW CHAMPAGE WAWS SO STRONG WOOPS

**Lestrade, June 18 th, 20:54**

you’#rew strong gregroryyyyyyyy **

**Mycroft Holmes, June 18 th, 20:59**

aadn me!

**John Watson, June 18 th, 21:01**

 John? Is everyone all right??

**Mike Stamford, June 18 th, 21:32**

I’m worried, too. I’ve seen John drunk and it’s not a pretty sight, lol!

**Bill Murray, June 18 th, 22:14**

he is such a hypocrate! john that is not nice >:(

**Harry Watson, June 18 th, 22:53**

john? do you need me to pick you guys up? xx

**Molly Hooper, June 18 th, 22:59**

no, ok xx

**Molly Hooper, June 18 th, 23:17**

We should call someone. Someone who can get video evidence and knows how to work Youtube.

**Sally Donovan, June 18 th, 23:26**

...........................

**Harry Watson, June 19 th, 00:57**

I hope you’re not all dead.

**Sally Donovan, June 19 th, 01:41**

Oh God. Ohhhhh God.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 12:34**

JOHN WHAT HAPPENED?! WE WERE WORRIED SICK!!!!! I CALLED YOU! THREE TIMES!!

**Harry Watson, June 19 th, 12:41**

We weren’t all worried. I’d like for you to note that down.

**Sally Donovan, June 19 th, 12:50**

Five cans of White Lightning. Four were still full. There were four of us. I don’t want to talk about it.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 12:54**

I want to crawl into a dark hole and die.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 13:05**

I have seen things that no man should ever see

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 13:15**

How do I explain to my kids the hollow shell of a man their dad has become?

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 13:26**

And this is why I always chose cocaine over alcohol. John, my shirt appears to be stained with vomit.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 19 th, 13:34**

It is. So’s mine. And my pants. And my face.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 14:02**

I’m going to blow up France.

**Mycroft Holmes, June 19 th, 14:23**

Don’t blame France for this. You drunkenly commandeered a private jet to take us on a pub crawl around Normandy at half eleven!

**John Watson, June 19 th, 15:01**

Sir, I have had to ensure that your request to plant explosive devices on the Eiffel Tower has been rejected.

**Anthea?, June 19 th, 15:06**

Best non-stag stag night ever

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 16:07**

Even though I’ll never be able to look in the mirror again, knowing the things I’ve done

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 16:11**

Next blog post, John? ;)

**Bill Murray, June 19 th, 16:43**

Not bloody likely, mate. And about our trip to the pub today…

**John Watson, June 19 th, 17:06**

Already cancelled.

**Bill Murray, June 19 th, 17:11**

John, why is there a used condom stuck to my shoe? It’s full of jam rather than semen.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 19 th, 17:14**

OMG

**Sally Donovan, June 19 th, 17:29**

What happens in Normandy stays in Normandy. Let’s never speak of this again.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 17:32**

I don’t think I can speak. I think I’m catatonic

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 18:09**

Sir, no matter how many requests to blow up our dear French neighbours you may make, I’m going to have to ensure they are not successful. Many apologies. I’ll send a bottle of champagne to make up for it.

**Anthea?, June 19 th, 18:12**

NO

**Mycroft Holmes, June 19 th, 18:16**

Send Paracetamol and series 2 of Gilmore Girls.

**Mycroft Holmes, June 19 th, 18:20**

Immediately, please.

**Mycroft Holmes, June 19 th, 18:21**

On its way now, sir.

**Anthea?, June 19 th, 18:23**

So, what are your plans for the actual stag do?

**Sally Donovan, June 19 th, 18:33**

laujfjlaeruhqt 43hllthf

**Lestrade, June 19 th, 18:41**

I think you broke Lestrade.

**John Watson, June 19 th, 18:44**

Probably for the best. No man should have to live with the things he’s seen.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 19 th, 18:46**

What DID he see, exactly?

**John Watson, June 19 th, 18:49**

John, what happens in Normandy stays in Normandy, remember? Now come and sit next to me with that soup, it smells pleasant enough.

**Sherlock Holmes, June 19 th, 18:51**

I think I prefer series 3.

**Mycroft Holmes, June 19 th, 19:02**

**Author's Note:**

> White Lightning is a kind of very cheap cider sold here in the UK until 2009, when it was discontinued for basically being too strong. Oops. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Lightning_%28cider%29


End file.
